July 3

This has been a hard week so far.

The pain from my Taxol treatment started kicking in Sunday night and was working full force Monday and Tuesday. It’s hard to explain what it feels like. It’s flu-achy times ten. The hardest thing has not been sleeping all that well no matter what I take to help.

Tuesday was the worst day I have had so far since this whole thing started. Not only is the chemo messing with different aspects of my body, but it is making a royal mess of my hormones. I felt so bad – hadn’t had much sleep – and cried like a baby a few times. There were also some work situations that made it a difficult day. I called my doctor’s office to see what the deal was with the pain and if it was really going to be this bad. The nurse/tech told me that I wasn’t taking enough pain meds and I needed to take more. I left a little early that day and took more once I got home. Only problem was – within a couple of hours – they totally made me barf. And, I mean barf.

I sat there wondering what the heck I was supposed to do. I need the pain meds for the pain – but can’t take them because they make me barf. I waited until right before I went to bed and took a pill with my Lorezpam. Luckily – I didn’t barf and was able to get a decent night’s sleep.

Gratefully the pain has not been as bad the last couple of days. It’s more to the flu-achy part. I’m sticking to Advil and not taking any more Loritab at the moment. And, thank heavens for Lorazepam. It has saved my life during these chemo treatments. I don’t know that I could get any sleep without it.

There are days during these treatments that I feel like a total wuss and want to call my doctor and tell him thanks, but no thanks to any more treatments. It is a good thing that by the time I have my next treatments, I am usually feeling much better. You couldn’t drag me there in the initial days after my treatments.

I got an email from Camille Thorpe yesterday and she and her cute Mom were quilting on my quilt last night and asked if I wanted to stop by. Even though I didn’t feel great, I really wanted to stop by for a visit and see it. It’s so amazing. It totally made me cry. It is so sweet of her to put this together for me and so sweet of everyone that made a square for me. This will be something I will treasure until my dying breath.

There are squares from friends from work, church, etc. There are still some blank squares if anyone still wants to really sign one. It is such a lovely gesture and I am so excited to have it.

Camille mentioned to me how great it is that I haven’t been missing work. I told her it’s not that I’m tough or this is easier for me than it is for others. I really think it’s that I’m stubborn and just don’t want to sit around my house any more than I already do. Most nights when I get home from work, I sit around my house and recoup. It gets very old very fast and I would rather be at work if I possibly can.

I knew when the treatments started that this summer would be a bit of a wash and that it really would be a summer of enduring more than a summer of getting to do the stuff I usually get to do. It’s hard some days watching the world do their usual thing and go about their lives and not being able to do the things I usually do. I keep reminding myself that it really isn’t much longer and this will indeed be over sooner than later. I really want to get out there and do some stuff, but I just don’t feel up to it.

As I said before, no matter how bad things get, the comfort always comes. I told Shawna the other night that it’s hard to understand why things need to be as hard as they are sometimes. We both agreed that this is where your faith comes in. Whether you are praying for yourself or praying for someone you love, it hard to not see the immediate miracle or understand why the burden isn’t lifted. If you can exercise your faith, in time, you really will see the miracles and the burdens lifted – maybe not the way you have been asking for it – but in other, even greater ways.

A week does not go by where I don't hear from someone about how they are praying for me, putting my name on temple prayers rolls, etc. Sweet President Sam on Sunday told me he and Liz are praying for me. I said, I know. I do know. I know because I can feel the prayers. I can feel them working for me. On the really bad days, all I have to do is think about all of your prayers and fasting for me and I feel better just thinking about it.

Thanks again to everyone for their love, concern and prayers on my behalf. I know that my treatments are working and I am going to be cured of the cancer. I know I am going to get on the other side of this and be able to continue to live a happy, healthy life. Thanks for helping me know this.

Cyn